The Poker Moth

American television’s pretty good at the moment. There’s 30 Rock, which is good, and then there’s Lost, which is, frankly, unimaginably brilliant. I could talk for hours about just how awesome Lost is, and just how smug I feel about the deluded saps who gave up on the show in the early stages because “it’s never going to be resolved”, because they were SO VERY WRONG and the show isn’t just being resolved, but being resolved in the most mindfuckingly brilliant ways imaginable, and…

…oh, yeah. The point of this post. The point of this post IS – it’s nearly the 1st of March, and that’s the date when American telly gets EVEN BETTER. First of all, it’s the return of US Celebrity Apprentice, which only needs to be half as entertaining as the last series to qualify as essential viewing. Secondly, and more relevantly…

Season Five of High Stakes Poker, baby.

Yep, the slowest show in the history of televised poker is BACK. Here’s a little reminder of what makes it great –

Strangely, GSN haven’t done a website for this series, so official information about what to expect is thin on the ground. I’ve heard rumours that there’ll be Pot Limit Omaha, which is excellent in theory, but we’ve barely gotten to the point where pokertelly producers feel able to broadcast Hold’em without explaining the rules every thirty seconds, so god knows how tedious Kaplan and Benza will be if they have to deal with Omaha. And other than that – who knows?

One quick quote from the GSN forum thread on HSP, before I go. The part in italics is the guy’s signature…

Poker is a game just for a fun, however most of them are doing gambling in the poker game it is not correct.Recently my friend lost money in the poker game due to gambling such persons who are doing gambling in the game must be punished.
_______________________________
Duke Glasgow
Play The Poker League Today, the Poker League is Challenging, and Fun, for players at all levels with Added Cash and FREE Bonus Seats to Live Poker Tornaments Worldwide in 28 Selected Weekly Guaranteed MTT Tournaments, 4 Games a Day 7 Days a Week with a yearly prize pool of over €17 Million .
http://www.CelebPoker.com

Owoosay, lol?

No. I do not want to restart my computer now OR later.

I need to go on an anger management course, I think. Either that, or buy a fucking Mac.

Well, after last week’s little outing, which saw me finish just outside the money, I’m hungry for another stab at GLORY. I may as well declare this a Sunday night fixture; I’ve pretty much abandoned MTT play for the moment (in favour of NLHE STTs, for reasons which I may explain in a later post), so for the time being, the Sunday 200k will be my main outlet for my legendary MTT skills. (That’s “legendary” as in “legendarily shit”, based on current form, hence the move to other formats).

Action begins at 8.30pm (GMT) on the dot. Tune in for updates!

8.35pm: We’re off! So far, only Ray Rahme has registered from Team Pokerstars. I am not a fan of his, and will be sorely disappointed if he outlasts me.

8.45pm: I’ve only played one pot, so far, flopping an open-ended straight draw, and paying slightly too much to see the river, which did not help. Opponent potted the river out of position, so I guess my implied odds were there. I’m only down a couple of hundred chips, though.

8.48pm: I have promised that I will buy my sister a 2CV if I win this. There’s £50 of my winnings spent already.

8.50pm: Win my first pot, limping ATo from early position, then checkraising the button on an A44 flop. He calls, then folds to my bet on the blank turn. Meanwhile, Rahme has doubled up.

8.55pm: Registration has closed, and Ray Rahme is the only TP representative in the tourney. Did I mention that I don’t like him? I did? Good. Meanwhile, I pick up AQo in second position, raise the UTG limper 5xBB (@25/50), get called by the BB and limper. Flop is T98 rainbow, we check round, an 8 hits the turn and if checks to me, I bet half the pot, and get called twice. The J hits the turn, and I split the pot with the BB, who called me with Q9. Hmmm.

9pm: Table change! Bugger. Glad I hadn’t been paying that much attention until now. I immediately get several good starting hands on the bounce; eventually a big stack looks me up when I raise with pocket eights. The flop comes KK7, he checks, I bet the pot, he minrasies, and I call. A 9 comes on the turn, he checks, I push all in, and he folds. Phew. That was a bit reckless, but I was pretty sure I was ahead. I now have 4500 chips. Rahme’s down to 3335.

9.10pm: Rahme’s out. Ordinarily, I’d gloat a bit about how I pwn Team Pokerstars, but it’s only Ray Rahme, and frankly I’m not that bothered. Still, now that the threat of Not Being As Good As Ray Rahme has lifted, I can play a little more freely.

Rahme’s OPR page. Ewww.

9.15pm: I raise a shortstack’s blind with 67s from the cutoff. I expect him to shove, instead, he just calls, for half his stack. The flop misses me, but he checks, so I desultorily bet the remainder of his chips, and he folds! I somehow resist the temptation to show. I love this tournament.

9.20pm. The blinds hit 100/200. I have just over 5000 chips, which is good for 6400th place. 19547 of the original 30000 remain.

9.27pm: Urrgh. I complete with J4s from the SB, with one limper in the pot. The flop comes JTx, I hand out a free card, and end up paying off a reraise on the river from the BB, who turned a straight. The free card ended up saving me some chips, though, as he was up and down, and would surely have called the flop. Lose another 600 to the same player with KQo on the next hand – he shoved the flop, and I know he was weak, but so was I. Grr. Down to 2800 chips at the break. SAD FACE.

FIRST (AND PROBABLY LAST) BREAK – well, that went quite well for 55 minutes. Best hands I’ve seen in the first hour have been AJ/88. Could do with something stronger soon, as my M is down to 4.5. ENGAGE PREFLOP PUSHBOT MODE.

9.47pm: Things begin to look a little desperate, but I pick up pocket nines. There’s a 4xBB raise and a call (from the table captain) in front of me, but I shove, and bth players make the trivially small call. The board comes 86657, with no action until the river, when the bigstack bets the pot, but he’s playing A4, and I treble up. BACK IN BUSINESS. Just about. This happened after being moved to a new table, with 4 of the nine players sitting out – and they’re the four to my immediate left! An interesting situation. I need to get aggressive, here.

9.52pm: The table captain is sitting on the other side of the four absent players, and is raising every pot when they’re in the blinds. I shove Q7o from the button after he minraises and another well-chipped player calls him; I have enough chips to get them both to go away. Another scary moment, there, but a nice pot: I now have 10k, putting me above the average stack. This table is either going to make me or break me, I suspect.

9.58pm: The Zombies have all been anted away; meanwhile, table captain is destroying the table. Blinds are now 200/400/50, and I have 8500 chips. I need to double up through this chump, and soon.

10.02pm: Or – call an early-position minraiser and a loose/passive caller with QJo on the bubble; then shove after the initial raiser makes a weak bet (and the LAP calls) on the J high, three diamond flop… and they both fold! I still only have an M of 12, and the blinds are about to go up, and I STILL haven’t seen a top quality starting hand, but things are looking up, slightly.

10.11pm: I run a successful checkraise bluff from the small blind on a K44 board. (I do not do this often. Honest. No, really). That keeps my M above 10, just. I’m really trying to keep this tight, but I’m getting dealt such utter filth that I have no choice but to make moves. Someone’s going to look me up soon. There are 7942 players left, I’m hovering around 2000th.

10.18pm: Pocket fours in the BB, three limpers and the SB completes, I shove, everyone folds. Ole. Blinds go up AGAIN (I hate this ten minute structure), and my M is down to 9. Still breathing, though. Also, still waiting to see a hand better than AJ/99.

10.24pm: Ooops. Open it up with KJs, the BB shoves back at me, I’m getting 2/1, decide this is the time to take a risk, and call. His queens hold up, and I’m down in the dirt again. FARRRK.

10.26pm: Open-shove pocket sixes UTG. No-one calls. Kinda wish they had; I want to race someone, or at the very least, lose quickly. COULD I HAVE A BIG HAND NOW, PLS?

10.27pm: The guy I doubled up a few hands back doubles through the erstwhile table captain; his QQ versus JJ. Pairs with paint on! Where do I get those from? Blinds are now 500/1000/100, I have an M of 3, and there are 5458 players left. 4270 pay. I just need one painty pair. ONE.

10.34pm: It folds to me on the button, I shove J6o, and take the blinds. On the next hand, I finally get a pair of Jacks, there’s a raise and a shove in front of me, but I can’t get away from it. Initial raiser has Queens. Reraiser had Eights. Queens win. I believe this is what is meant by the phrase “be careful what you wish for”.

Question – could I have folded them? Well, yes, obviously I could, and maybe even should have… but! There was 2400 in the pot to begin, I started the hand with 8432 chips, so an M of 3 and a bit. I was racing for a pot of 27,396, and… I’m going to ask Pokerstove.

We’ll deal with the initial raiser in a minute, First of all, how do I fare heads up against the reraiser? He began the hand with an M of 6, so could realistically have been shoving a fair few hands. I’m going to give him a range of 66+, A9s+, and ATo+. That seems entirely reasonable, given his fairly short stack. Pokerstove says – I’m a 60% favourite against that range, so a clear call. (In the actual hand, he had pocket eights).

What about the guy behind? He had 20k to begin with, and his minraise could have meant any pair, any suited ace – all kinds of tat which he would certainly fold when faced with two all-ins behind him. What does he call with? I’m giving him a range of TT+,AJs+,AJo+, which is a little on the tight side given the fact that he’s got us both covered, and the size of the pot. Pokerstove says – I’m a slight favourite, winning 37% of pots versus the initial raisers’ 34.5% and the reraiser’s 24.35%.

So, I was getting the right price on my money, (especially if it ended up heads up), and a fold would have been a clear mistake. Not much consolation, but at least I can tell myself I played pretty well.

And there’s an Ante Up tourney in a bit! Hurrah.

*edit*

Just remembered that I had AQo early on, (ended up splitting a pot with Q9). I take it all back!

From our “free advertising for Full Tilt” department…

Not so long ago, Tom “durrrrr” Dwan threw down a challenge to the entire world –

“I’m making this heads-up challenge to the world. Anyone can accept. Four tables, minimum of $200/$400, and I’ll put up $1.5 million to their $500,000. We play 50,000 hands minimum and if they end up a dollar after rake they keep the side money or whatever. So basically, if you and I played and you won a dollar, you would get my $1.5 million and if I won a dollar I would win your $500,000.

This has provoked several weeks of speculation, and reports that Phil Ivey, David Benyamine, and Patrik Antonius have taken him up on the challenge – followed by further reports that they’ve all bottled out. Well, that’s not the case, because Antonius and Dwan are at it AS I TYPE THIS. Click here to see a pic of the OMGLOLWTFSICKD00DZ in all their four-table glory. Or; simply head over to Full Tilt and watch it live. They’re playing PLO at the moment, and there’s about $800,000 spread across the four tables.

If you want to know who’s winning, keep an eye on http://www.highstakesdb.com/ and http://www.highstakesreport.com/. Both sites should be pretty busy over the next month or so…

OMGSICK!!111eleven1etc.

*edit*
Highstakesdb have added a cool little dedicated page, with graphs, and stuff. It is here – here

What’s that? Another liveblog? Oh, go on then…

…this is VERY interesting, though. Stars have a new tourney structure going, with a very unusual structure. The deal is, the blinds are fixed at 5/5 throughout the tournament. The antes go up in every blind level. So, at level one, it’s 5/5/10, with 100 chips in the pot to begin each round at a full table; at level two, 5/5/20, (190 in the pot to begin) and at level 35, it’s 5/5/17500 (umm… 157510 chips in the pot to begin). I imagine there will be a lot of limping and limp-pushing. Should be interesting.

11.50pm: We’re away. There’s a cap of 1080 players, buy-in is $5.50, $5400 in the prize pool, 135 pay, $988 for the winner. I get dealt 63o in second position on the first hand; I’m getting 20/1 on my money for the call, but resist the temptation. Old habits die hard. Mathematically, you should limp every hand if no-one’s raised. This is weird.

11.52pm: The flipside of cheap limping is the rapidly decreasing M; I start with 2000 chips, so an M of 20, which is a lot less than normal. This will decrease rapidly as the blinds go up, so there’s some pressure to win pots early. Arrrgh.

11.55pm: No-one on my table seems to understand the implications of the structure. There is, believe it or not, post-flop minbetting. Also, a lot of them are folding a lot, and there’s very little preflop raising – one guy limped in with aces!

12pm: I’ve just been minraised preflop. I swear to god, I limped in with 65o and the guy minraised. Unfortunately, despite being the only person with half a clue on my table, I’m not doing too well. Down to 1225 chips, blinds at 5/5/20.

12.05pm; This really isn’t going to take long. I can’t hit a flop to save my life, and there’s no bluffing these people. Down to 950 with an M of 5. People keep offering me odds of 20/1, and I keep missing. They call every raise, and I’m raising the pot.

12.09pm: I limp in UTG with pocket sixes, and IT FOLDS TO THE BLINDS! Seriously, what the fuck? They’re getting 20/1 on the call, every one of them folds. The blinds check, the flop comes A44 with two diamonds, the SB (who I know likes to bet on the come) puts out a tiny bet, I raise, they call, then fold to my turn bet when the draw misses. I’ve just now been moved to a new table, and they all seem equally clueless. Meanwhile, my M continues to tank; I will be shoving in the first decent spot I can find.

12.21pm: I find my spot; shoving 730 chips into 280 w/83o. Everyone folds. Antes are 40, now, my M is still about 2.5. People are still folding preflop, although the odds on a limp are now 74/1.

12.25pm: I limp UTG with 34o, one other limper and the blinds see the unraised flop of A27. I bet a third of the pot, and everybody goes away. I’m still way shortstacked, but am hopeful that I can hit a flop, soon. (In truth I’ve hit a few, but have had to fold a couple of top pair/no kickers to strong bets).

12.30pm: I limp T8o on the button, flop comes Q83, two spades, it folds to me, I bet 3/4 of the pot, and get called by A3. We check to a showdown after spades hit the turn and river. Antes are up to 60 now, and my M is still 3. Limping is still possible, and people are now regularly folding odds of 110/1 preflop.

12.38pm: I JUST WANT TO HIT ONE FLOP PLS FFS

12.40pm: I’m in the cutoff with 84o. There’s 550 chips in the pot. Two players fold (not tempted by the 110/1 pot odds), one player limps, then two more fold. I have 1090 chips and an M of 2, so am forced to shove. The SB calls with pocket fives, and I’m out in 513th.

So, then. That was easily the strangest tournament I’ve ever played in, and if Pokerstars want to run more of them, I’ll play them every day. MORE! MORE!

*edit*

It’s 3am, and I’m going to bed. I just looked into the tourney to see how tings have developed, and after 3 hours there are 50 players left. The standard of play has improved, but people are still making crazy folds. Here’s an example hand history –

——————————————————————
PokerStars Game #25066330935: Tournament #141587131, $5.00+$0.50 Hold’em No Limit – Level XVIII (5/5) – 2009/02/18 2:50:57 GMT [2009/02/17 21:50:57 ET]
Table ‘141587131 2′ 9-max Seat #3 is the button
Seat 1: mr.fixAA (16363 in chips)
Seat 2: michiganmick (39259 in chips)
Seat 3: tdemp (14055 in chips)
Seat 4: mets12189 (47687 in chips)
Seat 5: barboxman2 (33882 in chips)
Seat 6: TheBullShark (29631 in chips)
Seat 7: Pudoplx (79789 in chips)
Seat 8: MATRIX2001 (34400 in chips)
Seat 9: weebs6969 (140111 in chips)
mr.fixAA: posts the ante 700
michiganmick: posts the ante 700
tdemp: posts the ante 700
mets12189: posts the ante 700
barboxman2: posts the ante 700
TheBullShark: posts the ante 700
Pudoplx: posts the ante 700
MATRIX2001: posts the ante 700
weebs6969: posts the ante 700
mets12189: posts small blind 5
barboxman2: posts big blind 5

So, that’s 6310 chips in the pot to begin the action.

*** HOLE CARDS ***
TheBullShark: folds
Pudoplx: calls 5
MATRIX2001: calls 5
weebs6969: calls 5
mr.fixAA: calls 5
michiganmick: folds
tdemp: folds

The cutoff and the button fold. At this point, they are getting ONE THOUSAND, TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY TWO TO ONE on their money, AND position, but they pass.

mets12189: raises 2725 to 2730

The small blind bets about 40% of the pot. His opponents are getting just over 3/1 on a call, with position on the raiser

barboxman2: folds
Pudoplx: folds
MATRIX2001: folds
weebs6969: folds
mr.fixAA: folds
Uncalled bet (2725) returned to mets12189

——————————————————————

Just bizarre. I’ve emailed Pokerstars begginbg them to run more of these tourneys.

Observed in a chatbox discussion about people speaking FORIGN in the Pokerstars chatbox –

Mystery Player X: “yeah wtf they need to speak american”

Don’t get me started on Americans thinking that they own the internet, please. Not relevant here, anyway, because the native language of Pokerstars is… Manx!

So, for the benefit of all Pokerstars players, here’s a link to some useful Manx phrases. May I suggest that wherever possible, all Stars players attempt to communicate in this delightful Celtic language?

Useful Manx phrases

Cha nel un çhangey dy liooar rieau. Word.

*edit* More Manx resources for you:
The IOM Government’s Manx page
A list of useful links, including pronunciation samples and a rudimentary Manx – English dictionary
LearnManx.com

Been a while since I’ve done this, but I’m in the Sunday 200k Guaranteed on Pokerstars. This is the cheapest of the big Sunday tourneys on Stars, with an eleven dollar buy-in. I usually swerve it on account of the fast blind structure; it’s a ten minute level affair, albeit with double stacks (3000 chips), but it’s such a huge tournament that I find it hard to resist.

I haven’t been running well today; prior to the start of this tourney, I’ve played one hand – flopping a set of eights on the first hand of the 15k guaranteed, getting my chips in, and seeing my opponent river a set of aces. I was NOT AMUSED, but I’ve spent the intervening two hours listening to the PIxies, and am no longer tilting.

Anyway, the Last Longer! There are three Team Pokerstars pros in this; Victor Ramdin, Bertrand ‘Elky’ Grospellier (who is my bitch), and Alexandre Gomes. Also: roughly 30,000 other people. Who will prevail? Keep checking back here for progress updates!

9pm – Registration is closed, and there are *precisely* 30,000 runners. 4270 get paid, with $28,500 for first. I would like to win this.

9.05pm – Victor Ramdin is OUT. Meanwhile, I pick up AQc in early position, with blinds @50/100. I raise the UTG limper to 500, and get flat called by a shortstack, who has 880 left behind after his call. the limper goes away. The flop comes 6 high with two clubs, I put the shorty all in, he calls with AKh, but I hit the Jack of clubs on the river to win a handy little pot. I now have 4500 chips, and am 5161st of 25183.

9.10pm: Victor Ramdin is NOT OUT. Stars software lied to me, and he is, in fact, doing rather well, currently in 2686th place. Elky is struggling, in 19108th, and Gomes is 21681st, of 23,300ish remaining. My table is pretty weak; I’ve picked up a couple of small pots, and now have just shy of 5k in chips.

9.20pm: I pick up a nice pot (2550); it folds to me in the cut off, and I make it 3xBB (450) w/A8o; I get called by the SB, who I have identified as being utterly clueless. The flop comes T65 rainbow, he checks, I bet 750 into 1000ish, and he calls. We check to a showdown, where he reveals his J8s. Seriously.

9.25pm: Victor Ramdin is DEFINITELY OUT. I think Elky has gone as well. Gomes is 8616th, I am 7089th, 18000 remain. I’m tilting slightly after handing some chips back to my friend from earlier – this time he limped UTG with T3o, called my raise from the SB (with KQo), called me with a wheel gutshot on the ace-high flop, then hit his ten on turn.

9.35pm: First break! 17212 remain. I am 7268th, Gomes has rocketed to 2197th. Ramdin went out in 21177th, and Elky busted in 17801st. I still own you, Elky. My mindblowingly useless friend is still on my table, and has me covered; I’m eyeing his chips, greedily. I don ‘t have position, but his presence means I’m doing more limping.

9.40pm: I’m all-in for the first time; I limp with QJo in mid-position, my friend limps behind me, and I’m delighted to see a JT9 flop (albeit one with two diamonds on it). I’m less pleased to see the big blind bet the pot. I have him well covered, can’t put him on KQ, but don’t like the draws, so shove; he dwells up and folds. Almost certainly not good play on my part, but with the diamond draw out and a total moron still to act behind me, I figured decisive action was called for.

9.50pm: Oops: I donked a load of chips off to my friend, who amazed me by being trappy. I’m down to an M of 5 now, and will be pushing… right now. ATo. Yay, I take the blinds, and have a tiny bit of breathing room. Not wishing to be whiny, but that’s the third biggest hand I’ve seen so far. (AQs early on, and a pair of sixes which I had to fold preflop). Anyway, I’m 8500th-ish out of 12500. Meanwhile, Gomes is approximately 2500th.

10pm: Whining brings dividends: I get aces on the button, and manage to make a few chips out of the cutoff, who limped. Astonished and very disappointed when my friend folded the big blind, even though I offered him boatloads-to-one. I now have an M of 7, and just under the average stack.

10.10pm: Just for a change of pace, the guy two seats to my right tries to steal my blinds with a minbet; I flat call and then 3/4bet the pot on the J-high flop (with naffink), and he goes away. He limps the next hand, and I complete from the SB with T6h, and flop the third nut flush (AKx of hearts on the board). He bets the flop and calls a bet on the river with K5 of spades. Thangewverymuch! That moves me up to 2400th out of 8500-odd left. Mr. Gomes is 724th.

10:19pm: More fun in the big blind; it folds to the small blind, who is very short, and shoves. I’m getting 2/1, so call with my J7s, and catch a seven on the turn to beat his A2c. Given that I have an M of 8 *after* winning that pot, it’s fair to say that was a significant little win from behind.

10:22pm. I fold pocket sevens UTG+1, and feel huge shame and regret for a brief moment, but feel much better when the button shoves all-in and then shows pocket nines. I’m playing tight, and I want to play tight, and it has always been my intention to play tight in this tournament, and yet I feel bloody awful about actually playing tight. Why am I such a moron?

10.25pm: The blinds go up, my M is down to 5, and the bubble will soon be upon us. I WOULD LIKE A BIG HAND PLEASE, MR DEALER. Meanwhile, the wheels are falling off for Mr. Gomes; I have hm covered again.

10.30pm. AKo in the SB, it folds to me, I decide to limp in, thinking my BB (who hasd me double covered) will raise, but he doesn’t. I miss the flop, but my pot bet takes it down. Pocket eights on the button on the next hand, and I shove at a limper, who goes away. I’m 2100th of 5149. Gomes is 4000th.

10.45pm: The second break, which I spend running to the shops and back for tobacco. I’m not sure if this is helpful. Anyway, at the break, I’m 2247th of 4818 remaining. 4270 pay.

10.48pm: I’m out! SB v BB confrontation, I limp in with T8o, the flop comes A97 with two hearts, check check; a queen hits the turn, I bet out half the pot and get called, the six of hearts comes on the river, and the pot’s too large to get away from; I shove, he has the nut flush. Most aggravating. However, I finish *three* places better than Alexandre Gomez, which means I win the Last Longer! IN YOUR FACE, TEAM POKERSTARS.

I would rather have the money, though.

Dear Internet;

I’m having a lovely time. Weather’s horrible, but I own coats, so why would I care about that? Just nice to be on holiday, frankly; feet up, cup of tea, cigarette, a bun, a tweet (or twelve), a spot of Fallout 3. I don’t think I’ve sworn at anything this week – apart from when Scolari got sacked, of course – everything’s just nice and calm and relaxed. No stress, no gnashing, nor wailing, and certainly no chuntering. Put it this way; I’m listening to a lot of Fleet Foxes and Brightblack Morning Light, and I’m not even stoned!

Wish you were… oh, look, you are. Well, grand. Byeee!

Ah, it’s nice to have a holiday, and I’ve earned it. Not money-earned it, but grief-earned – the last fortnight has been extremely difficult, and I can’t solely blame bad cards for that, as I’ve definitely made things worse through bad game selection and worse me-management. As previously mentioned, I’ve been playing a lot of heads-up multi-table sit ‘n’ gos on Pokerstars, recently. This started off with me on a tremendous streak, quickly taking down several tourneys and banking a lot of money, and deriving a lot of enjoyment out of inputting my results into a spreadsheet, and watching the ROI ticking along at an (obviously unsustainable) 120% plus.

I’ve been around long enough to know how stories like that end, but even I was surprised by just how viciously my results corrected themselves. Sharkscope gives me a 70% ROI across all sit’n'gos over a statistically significant sample, and I was ready to see my HU SNG stats drop down to this sort of level. When the drought started, that happened quickly, but it didn’t stop there, and before long my ROI over the entire month long run of HU SNGs was down to 20%. When you consider where it was at after the first week or so, that’s a hell of a downswing.

So, what have we learnt, here? Well, heads-up tourneys aren’t just swingy, they’re SWING-AAYY. Swingy like Harry Connick Jr on a bungee, even. Not so much variance, as variouch. And also, more relevantly, we’ve learned that I’ve had a fucking horrible fortnight, riddled with swears and wails and gnashes and chunter. At first, I thought that I’d just stop playing HU, but making the adjustment back to ANY OTHER KIND OF POKER AT ALL is proving to be impossible. I’ve been turned into some kind of feral lunatic, and I simply don’t have the patience to play good poker. I just get adrenalised, and then angry, and then stacked. This isn’t controlled aggression, it’s madness.

So, I’m taking a break. I have no idea how long it will last – probably no more than a day or two; but however long it takes to recover my calm, controlled game. This obviously means that I will be playing a small amount of poker whenever I suspect my head may be in a good place, which means I technically won’t be taking a break at all, but I certainly won’t be playing because I feel obliged to earn money. The way things are at the moment, earning money seems an unlikely prospect, so I may as well relax for a bit, and maybe… err, yeah. Maybe do some of that freelance work which is massively overdue?

Anyway, file under: “skills every successful poker player needs”, namely – KNOWING WHEN TO STOP.

I’ve just realised I need a real, not-in-London holiday, too. Bugger.

I’m not just a poker player. Before I got involved in poker, I was (and still am) a pretty good backgammon player. My family are all -at least – pretty useful at backgammon, and I was taught how to play at the age of five. I’m a bit shaky on the maths of the game, but I don’t make many obvious mistakes, and have a respectable break-even record playing online for money. (Break-even’s pretty damn good in the bot-riddled world of online backgammon). I’m also pretty good at Scrabble – I play off a 1000 rating on ISC, and that’s purely from leisure play; if I could be bothered to learn all the two-letters and three-letters and hooks and vowel dumps and the like, I’m fairly sure I could play to a much higher standard… and I’ve always fancied my chances of doing well on Countdown; from the comfort of my sofa, I’m definitely competitive with all but the very best contestants on the show (although I don’t have to contend with the PRESSURE of the STUDIO) but like Scrabble, there’s no money in it, and I already own a dictionary, so there’s not much of an incentive there.

Chess is similar; I’m naturally pretty good, but have never had the patience to learn anything more than a few standard openings (which I have now forgotten), so I’m at a tremendous disadvantage against any fanatic. Again, the lack of a cash incentive means I simply can’t be bothered, and there’s also the small matter of the guy who stole my first girlfriend; a man of remarkably average intelligence who was hothoused by pushy parents into becoming a hardcore chess nerd. If a dullard like that can become a reasonably successful teenage tournament player, simply by sacrificing most of his childhood in order to memorise books of opening variations… why bother?

So we come to the traditional post-preamble part of the post where I ask – what’s the point of this post again? Something about me being ever so clever, and just a tiny bit bitter about getting chucked for a chess nerd nearly twenty years ago? No, that’s not right. Something about…. Bridge! Yeah. Bridge.

The game has never interested me until recently, and in truth, I’m still slightly repulsed by it, with its ostentatious “look how complicated I am!” attitude. In many ways, it’s the exact opposite of Hold’em; it’s a simple game (whist) dressed up to look as fancy as possible, whereas Hold’em is a fiendishly complex game (poker) stripped down to the bare essentials. One goes out of its way to trumpet how brilliantly clever it is, and how brilliantly clever you need to be to play it, the other is content to let you discover that for yourself. Bridge is Lauren Harries, basically. Harsh, but true.

OTOH, there’s one key similarity between the two games. They both revolve around gathering information about your opponent’s cards, purely from their actions, and for that reason (and that reason alone), I’m trying to overcome all of the ridiculous hurdles that stand between the complete noob and the promised land of being a barely competent Bridge player. This is a chastening experience; after several years of being (at the very least) quite good at divining information about my opponent’s holding in a card game, I now find myself feeling like the world’s biggest fish. In fact, having spent a few days trying to learn the basics of bidding, I just sat down in my first ever game, and promptly – and very visibly – shat myself. The first board played out in a straightforward manner; I had a very unbalanced hand with a few high clubs, and so opened for 1c; the next guy (he’s on the other team, I think) then re-raised (sub: please check) me to 1s, which sucked as I had zero spades in my hand. Not knowing how to respond, I passed, his partner made it 3s, and they made their contract. The next hand, three passes to me, I made (what I believe to be) a perfectly legitimate bid of 1d, and then my partner raised to 2s! I’m sure this meant something, but I had no fucking clue what, so – to my huge shame – I experienced a *ahem* connection problem. I don’t think my partner will be too upset to see the back of me.

It’s clear that I’m not ready to play the game yet, as I’m only vaguely aware of how to open the bidding, and have very little clue how to respond to a re-bid from either my partner or an opponent. I suspect that my partners jump-bid indicated that he was drowning in high cards, and that I should immediately re-bid 6d, but for all I know he could have been playing some wacky convention where 2d was a request for me to declare how many red aces I held in long suits, probably by means of some kind of virtual masonic handshake, or WHATEVER.

Yeah, that’s what Bridge is. It’s poker for Masons. Anyway, all this shame and embarrassment is proving to be a very edifying reminder of what it’s like to be a poker noob. That wasn’t exactly what I’d hoped to learn from Bridge, but at least I’m learning something, right?

Anyway, I’m off to play some Scrabble, as I’m too tired for poker and have had enough of feeling like a complete moron for one day.

(As for the poker itself, I’m still grinding the heads-up SNGs on Stars, which is a predictably intense emotional rollercoaster-type deely; it’s either the easiest game in the world or the most irritating, depending on how the cards fall. It’s reliably lucrative, though, and I’m tired of flitting from one variant to another all the time, so I’m going to stick with it for now).